I am all about Parenting with Love and Logic, so this is not my material, this is what I would tell you if you were in my Love and Logic class and you asked a question about disciplining a baby. All kids, no matter what age are just trying to see what will happen if they do something. Babies cry because they are hungry, so we meet their needs immediately and they learn to trust. So, as they get to a point where they know when they are doing something you don't want them to (I would say about 9 mos or so) if they do something wrong and you don't do anything about it, then they decide it is okay. You can totally start teaching your kids at any age by using consequences. When your 9 month old throws his spoon on the floor and you give it back and then he throws it again. You can calmly say "oh, how sad, your spoon is dirty so now you will have to use your hands." By saying that, you get the spoon out of the picture, you empathized with them, and they know that when they do that, they lose the spoon. The spoon being dirty is a natural consequence for throwing it on the floor, so you didn't even have to create any consequences. Just becuase the kid didn't "get in trouble" doesn't mean they didn't learn. For older children you can do the exact same thing. When your 16 month old looks at you and throws a ball in the kitchen, even though they know that is a rule, you can simply take the ball and say, "what a bummer, now we can't play with the ball or be in the kitchen" and promptly take the ball and the child out of the kitchen. It is so great this way because you don't have to say "no no" like you probably find yourself saying 50 times a day, and you don't have to be mean. Just show that you are sad for them and then let the consequences do the teaching. Let me give another example of what you might do for potty training: your 22 month old is outside playing and has an accident. You might bring her in and say, "oh that is so sad that we have to go inside to change your clothes so you can't play outside." Take your time changing the child and then put them back in underwear and let them try again. There is no reason to yell or get mad because then they just see your anger and don't learn what they did wrong. One more example, your 18 month old throws himself down on the floor screaming because you won't give him a cookie. You could say something like, "oh, thats a real bummer because I give treats to kids who are calm and kind..after dinner," then turn and walk away. Don't worry about trying to explain why they can't have the cookie, there is no reasoning with an 18 month old. You can teach them without even having to speak a stern word, and, whatever you do, don't lose your cool or they will see that you can't control them. Anyway, there are a couple of ideas for the young'ens. Let me know if there are specific examples and I can think about it.I hope that is helpful. (By the way, in my opinion, if the consequences aren't working, quit using them. Time-outs only work sometimes so don't be afraid to try something new.)
7 comments:
I am SO gonna love this blog!
Thank you so much Dana, this is absolutely perfect. I'm going to get this book too, and Chris and I can figure out how to do this discipline thing right! This approach is so genius because it is sympathizing with our kids as they learn how to make appropriate choices. I imagine that freaking out teaches them that it's NOT okay to make mistakes and when you're learning something new you'll make at least a few. Plus this keeps us from being broken records and constantly saying NO! Love it! Thanks for addressing my question so fast! Maybe you should have a radio program with call-ins!
Holly, you are right on the money with the whole mistake thing..in fact...you could have written Love and Logic. They have lots of books but I think that one will fit you best. I think it is so smart because, at the end of the day, your kids see that you love them and they got to learn lots of lessons from their mistakes. Anyway, I totally thought this would be a style of parenting that would be right down your alley. I love that you just try to learn everything thing you can about anything. You are going to have a great little family. And Marie, you are exactly the same way. You are going to be a very prepared momma and Doug is really lucky for that!
Hay Dana thanks for thr great blog. I have already learned some great things! I do have one question. Parker is getting more and more shy. The other day I took him to the library story group and before he was fine with just sitting down and listening. But this time he just wanted to be right next to me. I also noticed that when someone he doesn't know tries to talk to him he just hides his face. He used to not be like this. I'm not sure if it's just a phase. If you have an insights let me know. Thanks!
Stacy, shyness usually stems from something, but is probably something very minor. Because it just started, my best guess would be that he is feeling a little bit of insecurity since Tandi just started walking and is probably recieving a lot of praise and attention for it. Here is a website that I think has a pretty good article. It is probably no biggie, but it wouldn't hurt to try some of their suggestions and to just give Parker extra doses of praise and encouragement for whatever he is doing well these days. http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Shyness_and_children?open. Hope this helps.
Dana thanks for the great info. I will definately look into that for Parker. I was wondering what you think about babies that never crawl? As you know Tandi is walking but she never really crawled. She scooted around on her bum. We tried to get her to crawl early on and she would just cry when we would stick her on her belly. I have heard different things. One is that this will affect your baby with learning abilities later on. But her pediatrician said not to worry. What have you learned about this?
Sorry Stace, I have never heard anything about that, but that is probably a good thing. I have heard of lots of kids skipping the crawling stage and I wouldn't worry even one more second about it. There will be so many little things like that that come up so just don't even worry. With a great little mommy staying at home with her, I'm sure even if there is truth to it, you will easily more than make up for it.
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